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Well, It's Certainly Original
I was having a general tidy up in my office today when I stumbled across a document marked "Peter M Smith's furious letter template".
I have chosen to share the contents with you below:
Opening Paragraph
- Accuse website/publication of being anti-Liverpool - Offer no proof other than they point out that Liverpool are shite when they actually are.
- Follow this up by throwing in a "what if" scenario, featuring a club who embarrasses themselves less than us (This will make it seem like they favour that club!)
Main bollocks
- Draw attention to our goalkeeper's penalty/shot stopping ability - make no mention of the fact he sees his arse under a high ball.
- Make excuses for poor performance(s) relating to injuries/suspensions, despite writing letter last week praising the depth of our squad and how it can handle anything (see: This is our year template)
- Even though I have been telling everyone who will listen that we will beat
Bollocks
- Question patriotism/loyalty of publication - accuse them of poor/shoddy journalism (try to draw comparisons to the National team to get some people on my side)
End
- Something witty! That'll show those know it alls that Liverpool fans aren't all paranoid tw*ts with no sense of humour!
Seems quite comprehensive to me! I would, however, offer Mr Smith the template I felt inspired to make after reading this one - It's called my "How to live your life" template:
DON'T BE A C**T.
You. Are. Welcome.
David (David (Paul) Allen) Allen, Runcorn
How Indeed?
How can you take womens football seriously when you flick on and she and young lass called Kum Suk.
Harry (covered in soapy bubbles smith) Smith, Aus
We Expected It
Regarding Peter M Smith, Dublin's disgust at the audacity of F365 to describe Liverpool's draw in Liege as 'lucky', I just thought it was nice to hear that Liverpool's fans are so in tune with their manager......
"We were very lucky to have got away with a draw, very lucky not to have conceded goals." Rafa Benitez
Sam, MUFC
Boro's Generosity
I would just like to point out that I am set to undertake legal proceedings against Gareth Southgate and Middlesboro FC for charges of office vandalism and actions leading to defunct equipment.
The reasons? I laughed so loud when I read that they actually paid Arsenal more than a luncheon voucher for Justin Hoyte that I spat my coffee out onto my keyboard and suspect it is now beyond repair.
First Aliadiere. Now Hoyte. Oh Dear. As an early act of goodness in anticipation of December 25, would the Red Cross of Teeside also be willing to help out their less fortunate North London brethren by bestowing us the honour of also spiriting away Phil Senderos, Manuel Almunia, Emmanuel Eboue and Alex Song?
I will even arrange for transportation costs myself.
Stewie Griffin (Shocked and amused)
Is Dossena The Worst £7m Defender Ever?
Rafa does love to splash his cash around on bits LFC don't really need (£3m on Cavalieri for example) but all Liverpool fans were pleased that after 4 years Rafa had caught onto the use of wingbacks (No doubt after watching Man U win yet another title) and signed an attacking right and left wing back Degan and Dossena. Degan actually looked good considering he was a free before he got injured but Dossena!!!!! £7m and in pre-season he looked like he'd be more at home in the Blue Square Premier. Still no worries....he will get better when the real kick off comes surely? Errrr no! He looks even worse than before.
I think he is the worst full back signed for big money that I can ever recall. Glen Johnson perhaps when he went to Chelsea perhaps? No wonder he has no money left to pay over the odds for a very average Midfielder. Thank God that Gillet and Hicks are too poor to fund that one now. I think a bet on Rafa to be gone by Christmas is looking good now. He's getting the 5 year wobble like Gerrard Houllier.
Hey ho. In Rafa we trust.
GJ Surrey
PS I think Keane is a fair signing for about £8m a la Bellamy. The next Torres he is not, has never been, nor never will be. Was it me or did Liverpool seem to have forgotten they sold Crouch and kept lumping high balls up field?
Liverpool's CL Exit Would Be A Good Thing...
Am I the only one who thinks that Liverpool could do with a year off from European competition like Rangers? If they were to drop out of the Champions league and then screw up early in the Uefa Cup they could have an unhampered run at the title. There would be no excuses about squad rotation or fixture pile up and we could all see if they have actually got what it takes to win the league, and despite the significant drop in revenue I think Liverpool fans would take the title over money, and anyway it would be guaranteed qualification for next season.
This is the only way I can see that the rest of us will stop hearing the bloody "this could be our year" tripe. Mind you I reckon Rafa could still find a way to prioritise the Carling Cup.
Nic Shurmer
Don't Panic
Like clockwork, the 'Rafa is useless' train rolls into town. After one game he is again derided as an awful coach. Yes, we were poor. Yes, we can play better. Yes, Standard Liege were better than I think everyone expected. But to say we're awful away from home I'm afraid ignores the facts... we lost less away games than the 'imperious' Arsenal last year (6 to 7). We beat Inter Milan away last year (maybe that went unnoticed whilst everyone was spaffing their pants over the fact Arsenal beat the inferior AC Milan away.) We battered Marseilles away last year, which no English team has ever done. You may say these are in Europe and yes you'd be right but if we're so bad in the league away, why couldn't the magnificent Arsenal beat us at Emirates in league or cup? We only had half a team out as well! And if memory serves Arsenal failed to win at bottom half teams like Boro, Wigan, Brum, and Newcastle.
I'm sick to death of the stick Rafa gets. Yes, sometimes his signings are cack. Yes, sometimes we play poorly. Yes, sometimes he does get his tactics wrong. BUT as a coach, compared to Lord Wenger his last 7 Season's work reads: 2 League Titles, 1 Champions League, 1 Uefa Cup, 2 Super Cups, 1 FA Cup. Wengers reads: 2 league titles, 1 FA Cup. I am aware that Rafa isn't the worlds best coach, but Jesus Christ, he deserves a bit more respect that that crap that gets flung his way after one game, which we didn't even lose, whilst Wenger (no trophies of any note since 2005 may I add) gets away with it because he teams play prettier football. Pretty football doesn't always win out. Hungary 1950's, Holland 1970's, 1990's Newcastle under Keegan, these teams have one thing in common: they won bugger all (except 'friends').
Also something must be wrong if the best players consistently leave Arsenal Overmars, Petit, Vieira, Henry, Flamini, Hleb etc etc whilst at the Pool, we don't have the bright lights of London yet the only top 1st choice player to force a move through this millennium years was Michael Owen, and who came off worse there??!!
Anyway, rant over, better get back to work
Gary 'not blinkered, realistic (we wont win the league) and just not ignorant to the facts' Orford
...I sincerely hope not all fellow Liverpool fans are as misguided as Peter M Smith. Yes we got a clean sheet away from home, but the crux of the matter is HOW we got that clean sheet. We were second best in all departments and I personally wouldn't have been surprised if we lost 2-0, The fact is if we have a repeat display of such mediocrity, we're going to be battling it out for 10th place, let alone the league.
Sam K (Liverpool in Swahili = Maini dimbwi), UK
And While We're Talking About Peter's Email...
Regarding Peter M Smith's comment that "the Spanish and Italian press both are truly supportive of their clubs AND their national teams, it is no coincidence that they have are both world and European champions"
No, it isn't a coincidence but they haven't in anyway won those competitions because of a supportive press. I'm not sure about Italy but the reason the Spanish press overcame their negative attitude was because the national side came good, they did exactly what the English press do and support when we play well and moan when we play badly, it just happened that the Spanish national side was beginning to fulfil it's potential while the only filling we had managed was McClaren's swag bag and Fat Franks shorts.
And even up to the start of the Euro's it wasn't all trumpets and red carpets - i read quite a few unfavourable reports about the Spain-USA friendly just before the tournament with a similar concern as the English side about the best setup for the midfield.
It's the nature of the press, broadsheets and redtops (and their worldwide equivalents) are never going to sell big on a moderate viewpoint - on the whole you will get blind optimism and blinkered pessimism. Don't...don't...don't believe the hype
Chris Cole
What The Hell Is Going On At City?
As a Man City fan I'm completely confused as to what's happening at my club. The obvious problem is that Dr Thaksin has had £800m worth of assets frozen and unlikely to get them back. This would imply that we have financial issues for the future, combined with the fact that we've signed an awful lot of expensive players and only paid fractions of their transfer fee up front. Surely this would mean that we're not going be signing any other players at a huge expense? Well, apparently not.
We've had a bid turned down for Santa Cruz which I assume is going to in the £10m+ bracket. On top of this the reports are that Stephen Ireland went shopping and wasn't going to bother with the home friendly against Milan because he had been told he was being sold to Sunderland. Hughes got wind of it and recalled him to the squad, at the same time he had 'found out' that Corluka was being unloaded to Spurs. This situation baffles me, who is in control of the transfers at the club and why are they not holding hands with Sparky all the way through it?
We currently have the following first team strikers on the books: Vassell, Bojinov, Bianchi, Jo, Calcieda, Castillo, Sturridge, Benjani, and Evans. City typically play with one or two strikers. Now, Hughes is saying that he 'needs' another striker at the club and hence the bid for Santa Cruz. Why do we need another striker? If he's not happy with these players then at least try and offload some of them before splashing £15m on another striker we can't afford. DO NOT offload our best passer and standout defender for relative peanuts. Oh, and without the managers knowledge.
Basically are City ok? Is Hughes happy? Do we have any money? Is Dr Thaksin looking to get out? Or is he just after some extra investment? I dare to say that City isn't his first priority at the moment and maybe we will suffer for that. Essentially I'm extremely confused and wonder for the future.
Don't get me wrong we've got a good squad of players for next season and we are being overlooked by everyone to break into the top six but I think we have a good chance. It just depends on whether we can keep our best players and keep the manager feeling like he's in control. If we can do that we'll be ok but at the moment anything could happen.
Dan Toomey, MCFC
Matt Taylor And His Massive Piece
Yeah, another decent read but aye me that was just shy of a thousand words! Reign it, in big fella.
You may well be angling for some sort of column so set up a blog, tell F365 readers about it and, if it's of a consistently high quality and is consistently widely read, maybe F365 will give you a spot.
Or how's this for a new feature, Reader's Rant (obviously don't call it anything as naff as that) whereby F365 choose one of these sprawling but none-the-less interesting reader contributions and posts it in a separate section, thus freeing the regular mailbox for shorter and frankly more digestible pieces?
Lazy journalism, odious, that is all, sky+, ABU, (witticisms in parenthesis), you'll-never-print-this, Joey-is-a-thug and any other F365 standards that help with publication.
Alan G, Paris
...I am glad you have finally found your soap box, and its nice to have passions, but you are completely ruining the mailbox for me- can the compiler please get back from holiday and keep to short sharp and funny?
Yes, women's sports are amazing - we have all seen Alison Stokke and become full time pole vaulting enthusiasts- and Thakrin is obviously not going to be invited to Amensty Internationals christmas party anytime soon, but do you really have to go on and on?
Can someone in F365 just give him a column as I am sure there is interest in reading a weekly column but please stop using the mailbox to do so, I feel cheated when I look forward to reading an exhange of letters and all I get is your two long ones for the last week.
Save it for the guardian and times,
That is all
Matt Rogerson, NUFC
...I propose a ban on future Matt (laureate) Taylor from Warrington e-mails. Thats the second one he's had published this week and they are way, way, way too long. He obviously thinks he's writing a worldly piece of literature that will win him a nobel prize but he forgets who his readers are......football fans with the attention spans of drunken monkeys on acid in a room full of bananas...He should have his own site if he wants to waffle on and on and on...... He should be banned from football along with Barton and Shinawatra for crimes against 365 readers and for robbing us of the funny short mails at the end of the mailbox!
Ray -(come on it was 6 f***ing paragraphs & there were way too many big words)-Dublin
...What a thoroughly underwhelming letter Mr Taylor writes. The seal-like barking of approval the other day has him believing his own hype it seems. Irrespective of the clumsily wielded similes (Like Yes Minister and Hollyoaks...er...what?), the point made is not worthy of such indulgent length. Get back to work on the University E-Zine forthwith.
Ben (bored at work) Starkie
But He Got A Biter
Your attitude towards Blackburn Rovers is a f***ing disgrace. Your statement, "a club who still seem to give off the air of being run by a bunch of rotund and jolly local mill-owners" makes it blatantly obvious that you know nothing about the club and therefore you should keep your ignorant assumptions to yourself.
Rovers are a club with grand tradition and in the last few years Rovers have become a brilliantly run club which has arguably (along with Everton) become a benchmark for success amongst the clubs competing for a UEFA Cup place.
John Williams deserves a lot of credit for the work he has done. He has reduced ticket prices for the fans to entice bigger crowds and supported all the previous managers with the resources necessary to buy new players. Clubs like Rovers have to be realistic, they can have a billionaire backer or be a poorly run club that doesn't manage their finances well (remember Leeds?)
Having grown up in Blackburn, I would be delighted with another top 8 finish and a decent cup run. Rovers need further stability in which to grow in the future and I believe with Williams prudently running the club and Ince managing the playing side, we have a realistic chance in this financially ridiculous neverneverland that is the Premier League.
This objective has now become even more difficult, as the club is up for sale, and for the first time since Jack Walker died in 2000 the trustees of his estate have stopped funding the club. After Rovers' title win in 1995, the big-city clubs began to make enough money - from rising ticket prices and other commercial takings in larger grounds - to dwarf even Walker's spending. The investment from Jersey had to continue to give successive managers funds to compete, as it became clear that the club would not be self-financed in the near future.
Last summer the trustees of the Jack Walker Settlement decided to sell the club, and appointed the bank Rothschild, which previously handled the sale of Liverpool to Tom Hicks and George Gillett, to find the right buyer for Rovers.
Rovers regularly struggle to sell more than 21,000 of their 31,000 seats, but have consistently punched above their weight to reach two FA Cup semi-finals, a League Cup win, European qualification three times and an average Premier League finish of 10th. Now that the Walker family have stopped funding the club, John Williams will need to work even more skillfully to give Rovers an edge over the wage bills of similar-sized clubs.
I am hoping that the search for a new owner will bring in a football enthusiast, prepared to take a bet on a club with potential, rather than a merchant bringing debt or eyeing a quick profit. I only hope that Paul Ince can keep the club in the Premier League while they we wait for the rightbuyer.
Ahmed, Blackburn
As Sent At 10.58
I don't consider myself the world's best writer, but you publish some right crap in the mailbox bleating on around the same old stuff, so I'm disappeared to not see my mail about performance related pay, which is actually something new, in this mornings 'Box. How do you actually judge emails? What criteria do you use?
Billy Manning B.A. Honours
As Sent At 11.03
Apologies for my earlier outburst, I just got a delivery report and realized you hadn't actually read my email before the mailbox got published, sorry about that! Love the site, and I will never delete my F365 bookmark, you make the day go quicker. Would be nice to have a page which showed all the latest updates to the site though...
Billy Manning
And Finally
Dear F365,
No comedy letter at the end? It's all I can be bothered to read.
James Robertson, Cheshire
