Breaking News
Still reeling from the Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross debacle, the BBC was plunged further into crisis today when it emerged that Alan Shearer has gone missing from White City.
The Newcastle and England legend apparently went into the BBC's west London offices to pick up a big bag of money on Tuesday lunchtime but had not returned to his Tyneside centre of operations by Thursday morning.
"Shearer often comes down to get his big bag of money of a mid-week, because he doesn't trust cheques," revealed a BBC insider, who was wearing unnecessarily chunky spectacles.
"His privately-held belief is that cheques are some sort of voodoo instrument, possibly even Satanic. After the Northern Rock thing happened, he ran around the Match Of The Day studio with one arm in the air, shouting 'I told you so. I told you. It was the cheques.'"
Shortly after picking up the bag of money, Shearer was seen in the BBC canteen, elbowing Ronnie Corbett in the head and interrupting a lengthy anecdote from the pint-sized comedy veteran about the self-service restaurant's apple crumble.
"He marched out, with his big bag of money, muttering about the collapse of the international banking system," continued the insider. "Apparently he told the doorman that he was 'going dark' for some time."
Match Of The Day producers are searching frantically for the well-respected former England striker. Alan Hansen is said to be "very concerned", Mark Lawrenson "less so".
Big Sam And Reidy Train Pigs
Reidy and me have done something radical, and not involving our toilet parts this time neither. After the Thai lads were hammered 8-0 by some local country that neither me nor Mr Reid can pronounce, Reidy has told their FA that he's training up some pigs instead.
We found a local farm and got the old scouting notepads out. Straight off I spotted one that looked just like Kevin Davies, a right big backside on it, so we signed him up on a Bosnian. There was an ugly ginger one which put us in mind of Paul Scholes so we signed him up as well. And there was one daft-looking piggy, a bit slow I think he was. Reidy reckoned its squealing was a form of pig Scouse and reckoned he could be our Kev Nolan. So we came away with all three of them, well pleased with our new signings.
We had to get shorts and shirts specially made for them, like, as the regular ones don't best fit a pig so we called up a tailor and got him to come over and measure them up. At the end of it all they looked great and seemed well pleased 'cos they wolfed down the potato peelings we'd given them which did look tasty, mind. I might have had a couple of mouthfuls to check, I don't remember.
Turns out we're a good judge of footballing pigs as all three of them were very handy with the ball as long as we kept a good supply of slops in a trough in the goal. You couldn't' shake Kev Davies off the ball at all, and if anyone tried he'd just s**t on them, which is a brilliant tactic that no one will expect.
After training we went out for a drink with the piggies and got on very well with them and they even let us share their troughs which was nice of them I thought. It was only after we'd had a few that we realised one of them had a fine set of teats. A right old milk bar. So Reidy, who got a CSE Grade 5 in Biology, reckons Kev Nolan is actually a girl, which was a bit of a shock like as we'd seen him in the showers at The Reebok and never noticed before.
Anyway, now that he knows Kev is a lass, Reidy's gone all gooey-eyed and is in love. I've told him to keep his hands off her as it'll only cause trouble on the training ground if the other pigs get wind of Reidy's forbidden love.
We arranged a trial game against a team of schoolkids and won 4-2 with all three piggies on the scoresheet. I checked Prozone and discovered that I have 78% more pig in my DNA than any other top-notch manager - Jewelly at Derby has got more but he's in the Championship so he doesn't count.
This is proof once again of my class. It's original hybridisation of this nature that has got me where I am today; drinking out of a trough, with a pig in football shorts on either side, one of whom is fending off the advances of a former Everton midfield battler.
Marxist Football Today
Manchester United skipper Gary Neville has leapt to the defence of Russell Brand.
Neville, speaking at the launch of the Official Manchester United Shinpad And Nativity Package (just £149.99 in club megastores), said that Brand was "a beautiful martyr of the workers" who had "been broken like a butterfly on the wheel of post-industro-fascist thought oppression".
Before being led away by his handlers, Neville managed to shout, "Long live Russell Brand, a hero of the Left. And ask him if he's got any birds spare, I've had nowt for years."
POLL
We asked: Who is to blame for the Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross situation?
23% said Joey Barton was almost certainly involved at some point.
22% said Referees.
21% said There's too much money in football these days.
15% said Jimmy Hill, for campaigning for a six million a year minimum wage.
2% said They didn't care, as long as Alan Green gets the sack too.
1% said Frank Lampard.
John Nicholson and Alan Tyers
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