Big Al Still AWOL
Fears are growing for Alan Shearer, who has been missing since the middle of last week. It is believed that the Newcastle legend has become extremely distressed by the credit crunch and believes that the total collapse of modern civilisation may be imminent.
Match Of The Day colleague Alan Hansen had a phonecall from Shearer at the end of last week.
"He was in a terrible state," said Hansen. "Just terrible. He was rambling about a financial apocalypse and said that he was going to retreat to a pre-agrarian lifestyle somewhere near Wallsend.
"Then he said he was throwing the phone in the sea because the Abbey National can control your mind through text messages," added the worried pundit.
"I told him that was probably a communication from their online banking service about his new statement being available, but he was just ranting by then to be honest."
BBC bosses have despatched a search and rescue team to the unfamiliar Northern Territories in the hope of luring Shearer out of his Bronze Age bolthole.
Adrian Chiles and Lee Dixon will be joined by Strictly Come Dancing's Craig Revel-Horwood and Dame Kelly Holmes in a bid to talk Shearer round.
"He said he was going to cover himself in woad and catch a pig if he could," said Hansen. "It was diabolical."
Special K: Getting Back In The Game? Or Something Else Entirely?
I'm still looking at the runners and riding, if you like, my own horse and not being bothered if there are a lot of other horses on the courses because y'know my horses are in my stable and, if you like, that's a stable place to be in and the cat's in the cradle with a silver spoon but I wouldn't say the horses have bolted because at the end of the day I'm not running any more at my age and that's what I've just told them in there in the launderette washing them socks.
Motty And Lawro's Big Year Off
"Well I must say, Mark, I've been looking forward to this one all week."
"It could be a classic, John, no doubt about that."
"Yes, you'll not see a better Sheepdog Trials anywhere today. These dogs look really up for it too."
"I like the one with a wall-eye John."
"Yes, he's been showing good form, Mark. This is his 15th appearance this year and he's been on the winning side all but once. One to watch there Mark."
"Here come the sheep. One of them could be your next coat, John."
"He-he, indeed yes. Well, they're a good-looking flock. Recently been tupped by the look of them."
"Lucky sheep."
"Have you ever worn a raddle, Mark?"
"A wax dyeing crayon in a leather strap, John? Only once, at home, after we finished runners-up to Everton in the 1984-1985 season. I'd been drinking."
"Goodness me...Erm, are they playing in a 4-4-2 formation Mark?"
"No."
"He-he. No, indeed. Well we're underway here on a windy moorland above Keighley and the sheep are really having the best of the early action."
"They've been clever, John. They've stretched the play by running off in all directions."
"Yes that's proving to be a good tactic. Particularly in tandem with the almost incessant shitting, Mark. That must be off-putting to the dogs."
"Well, I didn't like it when Robin Friday done a shit in my bag, I can tell you that, John."
"He-he. I'm sure you didn't Mark, but you had been a bit of a twat towards him hadn't you?"
"I'm like that with everyone, in fairness John."
"Oh my word, Mark. Did you see that?"
"I did, John. Wall Eye has had a right go at that Swaledale. Really got stuck into him."
"I think the FA will have something to say about that, Mark. We don't want to see that in the game."
"I'd like to see it on my plate with some mint sauce."
"He-he. Well, the Vet is on so while he goes to work, it's back to you in the studio Ray. Oh."
News In Briefs With The Daily Mail's Steve Curry
Well, a tensely-contested draw there at Upton Park. Phew it's hot in here, do you mind if I just undo these buttons? Gosh, I'm really dripping. I think I'll just slip out of these silly little things - you don't mind do you? And now the news from The Stadium Of Light.
Not The Premier League, Late Result
Chelsea 0 Hull City 4
Dean Windass 1, 3, 4, 7. Windass sent off (8th minute) for serious foul play. John Terry subbed off (8th minute) and taken to hospital to have boot removed from rectum.
Poll
We asked: Which former footballing Alan would survive longest if society as we know it were to totally collapse?
39% said Alan Brazil - would be able to fashion primitive tools from rock.
23% said Alan Kennedy - excellent mobility and camouflage skills.
18% said Alan Mullery - mastery of skinning and tannery.
17% said Alan Hansen - guarding of cave, luring of beasts.
2% said Alan Shearer - reinventing creosote or wheel.
1% said Frank Lampard.
Alan Tyers and John Nicholson
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