Not the Premier League

PREMIER LEAGUE NEWS

Dean Windass, furious to be denied a run-out in Hull's opening win against Fulham, is reported to have eaten manager Phil Brown's shoes after the game. "To be fair to Deano, he counts shoe leather as one of his five fruit and veg a day; he's been known to eat his way through an entire branch of Clark's," said a shoeless Brown.

Under-pressure West Ham boss Alan Curbishley denied trying to add to the Hammers long list of injured players by signing a Lithuanian who had actually died a year ago. "I don't sign dead players," said a sleepy-looking Curbs. "Only dead wood: there's a big difference. And that dead dog I tried at Charlton, on a another day, the ball's hit him and gone in. It could have been a very different story for his whole career at The Valley."

Liverpool players are attributing their poor performance at Sunderland to their hideously depressing grey away kit, which has been likened by some to the colour of washed-out old underpants.

"It's not the colour so much that's wrong," said club captain Steven Gerrard at a post-match table-top sale of his range of Stevie G Strings. "It's the fact that it is actually made from washed out old underwear brought in from old people's homes."

This is thought to be another cost-cutting measure by the club's American owners, who were unavailable for comment, as they were on a fact-finding mission asset-stripping an as-yet-unnamed small African country. Total takings for Steve G Strings in the Stadium Of Light car park: £6.34.

With victorious Euro 2008 England manager Steve McClaren having retired from football to run a dope cafe and language centre in Holland, England will be led into their World Cup qualifying campaign by Fabio Capello.

At a press conference on Sunday night, the legendary hardman spoke frankly about his ambitions for the squad. "I tell you this, with me there will be no - what you call here - twatmen! None! Any twatmen will be kicked in the face by me. I do not stand for the twatman, you see see? Nor do I want the boo-hoo man, the wussy-wussy poof-poof, the dingle-dangler, nor the badda-bing-badda-bling-boy, nor the ooh oooh lazy doss-man or the clump footed lunk-shooter. I tell them all - both c**ts and non c**ts - perform well against Czech Republic or you will die at the hands of the fans. It is only right."

Brian Barwick, also present, cut the head off a roast pig he had brought to the conference and said: "Fabio is a strict manager and will consider, torture, maiming, public flogging and out-right murder for any player he takes against. We should be in for a bit of fun!" And with that he poured Capello a glass of goose fat and toasted the new appointment's good health.

Kevin Keegan on Newcastle United's opening game

Yeah, y'know, after our first game, our new signings know that the world is their lobster. If they take to their new positions like a duck out of water I can see us breathing on the heels of Liverpool and if we do that we'll adhere ourselves to the fans. No-one can fault us too highly today even those who say a point away from home doesn't count as a win anymore.

But y'know, I've just told the players, we've got to avoid being getting stuck up a cul-de-sac without a paddle 'cos y'know, I've tasted the other side of the fence and it's not greener, no matter what they say about the air there, and the lads all know you still have to keep pulling chickens out of a hat to survive and I would love that to happen. Love it.

Motty & Lawro

Enjoying a well-earned Gap Year.

"So it's a big international week, then Mark."

"Huge. Pity we're not part of it Motty."

"He he, yes, indeed, never a truer word was said, but I must say, this is an impressive location."

"As supermarket car parks go, John, it's one of the best around."

"Yes indeed. And we've got a good vantage point here on top of Kwik Save here in the Lincolnshire market town of Louth. And the Ford Focus gets us underway with a nice bit of powerful, quick reversing there Mark."

"You could say he's got a tremendous engine."

"He he. Yes you could say that Mark. Well you could anyway. He he. Let's get back to the action. Oh! That's a shocker Mark!"

"Disgraceful. That's a leg breaker, John."

"Well the old man is certainly not feigning injury there Mark. The white van just ran into him."

"He snapped like a twig."

"Well here comes the physio - in an ambulance. Oh! He's run over the old man as well! Well well, it's all happening here today."

"I hope the ref's stopped the clock, John. There'll be a lot of injury time here."

"Yes that's a good point Mark. You know, I think the ref might look back on this one and be disappointed. There's blood everywhere!"

"He's had a shocker."

"Yes some would say that running over an old man was one of the worst things you can do in this game."

"No, spitting is worse John. Any ex-professional will tell you that."

"Oh yes I'd forgotten about spitting. No-one wants to see that. Now we're back underway and here comes a chap with a baguette. Oh that's a lovely, he's put it straight into the boot of his car! He opened it up and put it in almost instinctively didn't he Mark? A natural finisher if I ever saw one."

"It was a great bit of bread-work that, John. Not everyone can do that at this level."

"Yes indeed, well it's been a good first half, back to you Gary. Oh."

POLL

We asked: 'What would you rather watch than England v Czech Republic?'

21% said a man putting bread into a car

46% said a shed door closing very slowly.

12% said potatoes boiling

13% said air moving

7% said mould growing on their granny.

1% said Frank Lampard

Alan Tyers and John Nicholson