Not the Premier League

Marxist England News

New England skipper Gary Neville has slammed the captaincy of the national team.

"I am not proud to be England captain because I do not accept the concept of nationhood," the firebrand United man told a stunned press conference after the Kazakhstan game. "The workers have no country.

"As you all know, epiphenomenalism refers to transparent and deterministic relations of causality, while class reductionism only refers to the paradigmatic location of a superstructural phenomenon in the area of influence of a class position and at right back."

However, the left-leaning right-back did make one concession.

"That said, I have resumed my Euro 2008 role as Team Elder, and will use my knowledge of Cuban Revolutionary politics in order to progress this people's collective in its aims of over throwing the tyranny of the oppressor wherever we find him," said Gary.

He confirmed he had instructed Ashley Cole to give the ball away to the Kazakhstan striker "as part of our political commitment to redistribution of wealth and goals".

He blamed the subsequent booing on "free-market neophytes intent on challenging our Marxist consensus".

Dressed in battle fatigues, a beret and wielding a machete, Neville saluted the press as brothers in arms. The assembled journalists cried and waved as he climbed a rope ladder into a helicopter flown by Les Ferdinand dressed as a Huey P. Newton.

Hat-trick hero Caleb Folan's sculpture inspired by the game, called 'Trotsky's Headache' and made from the frozen tears of Bosnian war criminals, will be displayed at FA headquarters later this week.

Manager Fabio Capello stood throughout the game on the touchline with his head wrapped in silver foil. He explained this was "an Italian Poor Art expression about the nature of reflection".

Special K

Kevin Keegan casts his eye over this week's internationals...

When I managed England I always said it was important to remember that if you feed a fish to a man once a day, you can teach him to fish and then y'know, he'll have his own fish when he wants them and at that level it's so important because things change so quickly and as my old dad used to say, a rolling Kate Moss always gets stoned and that's never been truer than today, y'know, because today, bulls talk and money walks, as they say, and Kevin Keegan knows that the finders keep the weeping losers in this life. England's players these days should learn that there's no such thing as a lunch and that's what I told them in there, in the psychiatric ward, while having shock therapy treatment.

Ghostface WengA: Big Playa Talkin'

Recognize yo. International week is fly in as much as I gets to spend some time in ma crib n kick back wi ma shortie, although I do obviously have concerns about playaz picking up some hurtin' while showin' out for they countries no doubt.

Keano: How I Sorted Out Luke Chadwick

In an exclusive extract from his forthcoming autobiography 'I am Your Wife - You Will Do As I Say', Roy Keane reveals how he ruled over the dressing room with an iron rod as the hardman of Manchester United.

Sometimes a young player would come through the ranks and give it the Great I Am, prancing around like he owned the place, taking liberties, drinking tea. I hated that. When young Luke Chadwick first broke through, he was one of the worst. Aggressive, dominating, loud: he was a real bully. I said to myself: "I'm going to do him." Then I said it to him, too: "I'm going to do you," I said. I was patient, though, and sure enough, the opportunity came along eventually.

It was after training, a Tuesday, and some of the lads were playing the card game Snap! I never had any time for gambling: I had an uncle who made a fortune in horse-breeding and then lost it all gambling on the ponies. Since then, I had always hated irony. And ponies. I walked over and snatched the cards out of Chadwick's hand, just as he was about to put down a giraffe, I think it was, that would have won him the game.

I never saw him play Snap! again after that. I didn't need to say anything: I had made my point.

Correction: Steve Bruce

Two weeks ago we incorrectly stated that Steve Bruce is a woman called Brenda. This was inaccurate and misleading, as was our subsequent correction that he was born Cindy Queem (female) and had worked as a showgirl prior to his football career. We would like to apologise once again to Mr Bruce and can confirm that he is not and has never been a woman. However, he did used to work as a showgirl. We apologise for any confusion.

POLL

We Asked England fans: what insults did you hurl at Ashley Cole on Saturday?

43% said I booed him.

21% said I called him a frightful stinker and an absolute cad of the first water.

14% said I accused him of moral turpitude, Guv, yeah, course I did.

21% said You *&%$!! !!@;*^%$**!!!!

1% said Frank Lampard

By John Nicholson and Alan Tyers