Van Gaal still wants Bale (oh god), City want Berahino, Carrick rejected PSG, West Ham and Everton want Austin...
NO JUVE MOVE FOR OSCAR
Juventus director general Giuseppe Marotta likes the look of both Pedro and Oscar, but he knows that neither player is likely to join his club.
"Isco and Oscar are both stellar players, but in the case of Juventus - unfortunately, for now - we will never be able to sign them," said Marotta. 'For now'? But 'never'? We're a tad confused.
DZEKO TO ROMA (AGAIN)
Italian daily Gazzetta are claiming that Roma and Manchester City are locked in talks about Edin Dzeko, with a fee of £15m (climbing to £20m) being mooted.
Surely City will buy another striker if this one goes through...
CATS EYE ENFORCERS
Sunderland are looking to add some serious bite to a midfield that already contains Lee Cattermole.
The Black Cats over the weekend were heavily linked with a move for Yann M'Vila, who is desperate to end his nightmare spell at Dinamo Moscow. M'Vila is a curious player. Once one of the most sought-after midfielders in Europe, his stock has plummeted since moving to Russia. If Sunderland are getting an M'Vila keen to prove a point, it could be a hell of a signing.
In addition, Sky Sports claims Sunderland are interested in QPR's Leroy Fer. No agreement is understood to have been reached been a loan deal has been mooted.
PEDRO DEAL 'HOURS AWAY'
The transfer of Pedro from Barcelona to Manchester United could be just hours away, according to a report in Spain.
Sport claim Ed Woodward will meet Barca officials on Tuesday to thrash out the deal, which could be worth around £21million depending upon variables. There is still some haggling to be done, but it seems all parties are keen for the transfer to go through, with United keen to snare Pedro as soon as Angel Di Maria completes his switch to PSG.
If the meeting goes smoothly, Pedro be involved in United's opener against Spurs on Saturday.
TRAORE SET FOR LIVERPOOL MEDICAL
Barcelona's Adama Traore is said to be on the verge of joining Liverpool, with the winger set to travel to England today to undergo a medical.
The Barca B winger has made his debut for the senior side but his prospects at the Nou Camp appear bleak. The 19-year-old came through the ranks at La Masia and would join the first-team squad at Anfield.
UNITED MAY STILL MAKE RAM RAID
Ooh, hello. Seems Sergio Ramos may yet end up a Manchester United player.
Reports in Spain suggest the defender has not agreed a new five-year deal with Real Madrid, contrary to recent claims that an agreement had be reached.
Spanish radio station Cadena SER report the Spain international is still keen on a move to Old Trafford and is annoyed at talk suggesting he's signed a five-year contract in Madrid.
They also say Ramos believes the club have used these reports in an attempt to force him into committing his future.
Spanish newspaper AS Diario is also carrying the story.
DESPERATE DE GEA
With only five days to go until Manchester United kick-off their Premier League season, it's approaching squeaky bum time for David De Gea.
Marca claim the goalkeeper is extremely reluctant to line up for the Red Devils against Tottenham on Saturday due to fears over the reaction he might receive from the club's supporters. Real Madrid are also said to be desperate to avoid having to watch the man billed as their major summer signing play for United due to the 'PR blow'. Precious, much?
Louis van Gaal is said to want shot of De Gea but United are digging in their heels over the price. Just do it already...
WENGER SAYS NO TO KARIM
Weird, that. We've spent all summer offering cynicism in the face of widespread rumours that Arsenal will sign Karim Benzema from Real Madrid, reminding Arsenal fans that their desperation for the move makes them ripe for exploitation by the click merchants.
After Sunday's Community Shield, Arsene Wenger was asked about the chances of signing Benzema. His reply was pretty clear: "No, honestly, no. I don't know who brings that up." We'll tell you Arsene, some shameless peddlers.
We just look forward to that being described as a 'cryptic' reply by various You Know Whos.
RAFAEL TO LYON
To some Manchester United supporters it will be a reason for great sadness but, in truth, it's three years since we saw anything decent from Rafael. After a fine start to his Old Trafford career, things have headed south very quickly.
'Heading south' is exactly what Rafael is now doing, with reports linking him with a move to Lyon. The fee is just £2.1m, which some United fans will consider to be paltry in the extreme. That's the problem with letting deals run down - Rafael was out of contract next June.
With Matteo Darmian, Antonio Valencia and one of Chris Smalling and Phil Jones ahead of him in the queue, the Brazilian certainly needs a move.
LIVERPOOL IN FOR CHERYSHEV
It's a move that has been mooted for most of the summer, but reports suggest that Liverpool might be closing in on a deal to sign Denis Cheryshev from Real Madrid.
It's an odd one, in truth. Cheryshev impressed while out on loan at Villarreal last season, but at 24 he's already older than Lazar Markovic, Jordon Ibe, Roberto Firmino and Philippe Coutinho. Do Liverpool really need another attacking midfielder?
The Daily Telegraph claim that Liverpool will make a bid of £14.9m for Cheryshev. As we say, it would be a strange one.
AND THE REST
Tottenham ready to take huge loss on Roberto Soldado as they open talks Villarreal over £11million move... Enner Valencia could be sidelined until Christmas as Charlie Austin leads West Ham striker shortlist... Roberto Martinez pledges to keep John Stones from Chelsea's clutches... Liverpool starlet Sheyi Ojo is set to join Wolves on season-long loan deal... Middlesbrough's Lee Tomlin trying to force Premier League move with Bournemouth and Norwich on alert... Antolin Alcaraz has put pen to paper on a one-year deal at La Liga new boys Las Palmas following his release from Everton... Arsenal have reportedly beaten Manchester United to the signing of teenage goalkeeper Joao Virginia... Roberto Martinez claims Everton are 'not a selling club' as he tries to keep John Stones from Chelsea.
Haha! __________(Liverpool) never misses an opportunity to deride F365 for trolling. And yet he is the biggest troll of em all! Don't feed it!- shakesey